as a terrible daughter

It’s time to go back to Taiwan and I’m stressed. My relationship with my family has been terrible since I dropped out of NTU. Over the past few years, there have been comments like this:

“You are so selfish. Why will you leave your family to pursue your dream when they have brought so much to your life?”

“You have only stayed in Taiwan for X days this year.”

“You will never succeed in the US because you are yellow.”

“You should really come back to Taiwan if you cannot find a job in the US. You will (ONLY) be wanted here.”

Pursuing your dream? That’s American shit. We don’t do that here. In Taiwan, in Esther’s family, we all move home, raise our kids, and feed our parents. That’s the family legacy.

Whenever I go home, other than the crazy racist, sexist, homophobic shit, the worst thing I need to handle is “being a terrible daughter.” When my grandparents were sick, my dad sneaked out of work, cooked meals, and fed my grandparents in the hospital every day. He is a good son. But his daughter, Esther, doesn’t even stay home more than 20 days a year. What a disgrace to her family. Worst of all, as she passionately pursues her dream, does she even love her family?

Hence, Esther in Taiwan mostly looks like this:

It got slightly better over time, as I gradually proved to myself that I can survive abroad (getting into Meta helped a lot). But the core of family filial piety (孝順), I can never meet the bare minimum. I LOVE my family, and I already know I cannot repay them for life. But being who they wish me to be is rejecting myself, or else I have to reject their expectations, rejecting my love for them.

Woah, that’s a lot.

So I talked about this to my roommates, and one gave me a very interesting thought: “Why don’t you just accept the sad truth? You can never be a good daughter in their eyes.”

I was like, “wtf? You crazy woman??” I want to be a good daughter! My stomach tightened with a uncomfortable knot.

Based on my understanding, her reasoning is like this: changes don’t come when we reject things; they only come when we embrace them fully. If you don’t want to let go of your family, you might need to learn to live with the complexity that you will never live up to their expectations, you want a very different life, and it might just be a sad story.

We always want to change something. We want to grow. So it’s hard not to try to change. But maybe we just have to accept it. Esther has already tried to be her best self. Maybe Esther doesn’t have to change.

Weirdo friends, this is also quite weird for a weirdo, right? I agree. But you know, Esther is intrigued by the weird thought. As I find it self-conflict to be a good daughter vs. becoming who I am, I figured new ideas and new thoughts are always worth experimenting with and trying. I don’t know what will happen, but it’s fun, and I will keep you updated.

After our chat, as I stood up and washed my dishes, I turned and told my roommate, “Yeah, I am a terrible daughter.” And we roared into laughter. I felt light-hearted, as if being a terrible daughter isn’t the worst thing on earth.

Okay! So now, I’m gonna go scream “I AM A TERRIBLE DAUGHTER” on the street! And tell everyone this in the office tomorrow. Bye!