Gotta die #3: Conviction is a stone
Be on the right path
“Do you plan to stay in the US?” He asked after talking about the visa extension problem, and it’s coming after me in a few months.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“If you think you are good, what is the distinct difference that your classmates can find a job but you cannot?”
“Because they are desperate to find any job, but I kind of know what I want.”
“Then you are asking for too much. You need to compromise more like me if you aren’t good enough yet.”
“No. I’ve tried. It felt wrong.” I really wanted to build a learning related product, but going to a random SaaS company building a CRM product to support my finance and visa feels fundamentally WRONG.
“Okay, so what are you prioritizing now? Medium-size company? AI? Reduce your financial stress? Stay in the US? Become a good engineer?”
No
no
no
no
no
and no.
“I want to be on the right path,” it all of a sudden burst out of my mouth.
“Rough. Rough.” He replied and went quiet.
Suddenly, my head began to spin. I felt that my life was in a big trouble.
I’m gotta die
I’m gotta die, I’m gotta die, I’m gotta die. (with suspense music) I called that smartest friend you would go for a big life crisis. The last time I called Lee like this, was the time I wanted to drop out of school.
“I wanted to solve money and visa problems by finding a regular job, but I still get rejected even though I know I’m good. But this is already my back option. And my visa, my money, my family…” I talked talked talked not knowing what I was talking about.
“I feel that I have a super stubborn personality. I’m too stubborn to compromise, but now I owe lots of money, cannot find a job, and gotta be kicked out of the US. I really don’t know what I’m doing. I want to work on my stuff but I don’t know how to raise money. How will I know? But I also know that I want too much to do a random job. I’ve been solving my money and visa problem for the past few months and then my brain still said being on the right path is my top priority” I said desperately.
She stopped me. “Think about that conviction as a gift. It will guide your life in the long run. You know what you want and that’s why you always make alternative choices. And of course, it’s scarier because it’s different from other people’s life. So you will need to do a case study to explore.” Then she went on with practical advice on how to take action, make decisions, and understand my internal conflicts with reality constraints and conviction.
Why is my conviction as hard as a stone? Arhhh…I hate it.
“You really know what you want to do. Believe in your choice. Write down a plan accordingly. You are not gotta die.” she ended.
I cried and nodded, telling her I would try a bit more.
