God, please ground me from productivity
In my previous post, “Gotta die as an overwork labor,” I discussed my intense flatmate. While it’s helpful to have someone who pushes me forward, it can also be uncomfortable. This discomfort stems from two dimensions: First, I always feel like I’m not doing enough. Second, when my flatmate is working, they become mostly absent about other things in their life, including not paying attention during our house meetings and being disrespectful of people’s personal time and space. This constantly forces me to question whether I want to prioritize speed at the expense of my relationships and other joys in life.
I still deeply love the moment when sunlight shines on the leaves in Golden Gate Park, and I adore watching dogs rub against their owners. I find myself needing time for deep reflection to foster personal growth. I write here to understand and reflect on what I have learned from the past, and how I can apply those lessons to the future. I place value on the act of writing for my audiences, even if it seems unproductive at the moment. I prioritize exercising every day, even though it detracts from my work time. Nowadays, I also need to take care of the wrinkles around my eyes. These activities are all integral to my identity. I view holistic learning as my identity, not just for my career or work, but in every dimension of my life.
I talked to my yoga teacher about feeling stressed out by the intensity in my house, and she suggested, “Maybe you should do yoga daily, set more boundaries, and find a space outside for yourself.”
I realize that it’s time for me to find a space for myself. I feel that my other dimensions of life are implicitly devalued, and I need to give them room to breathe. I have decided on two things. (1) I will share more about my learning. While I currently only write about it on Medium, I need more external validation if internal validation isn’t enough. (2) I need to build my own project without my flatmate. While I still value building with my flatmate for the speed, our complementary skills, and the intensity of growth, I need to build up my own muscle. And I can finally feel confident about who I really am.
Thank you for listening to my rant today. This is very supportive already.
This is the 27th post from my 30-day writing challenges. I was inspired by Tung Nguyen, a friend who is a famous blogger. He overcame the fear of creation through mass-producing blogs and eventually found his own niche audiences.
