How to handle stressful social encounters?

After the insulting incident, I realized I needed to practice handling high-stress social situations more. A methodology I’m practicing here is from unfolding practice from Henrik Karlsson. I was frustrated because this insulting incident was against my vision, a vision of respect and equality. Yet, with the unfolding method, I want to refine the reality.

What are the steps to unfold?

1. Observe the context: For example, when applying to university or trying to figure out my career, this means observing what kind of tasks I enjoy repeatedly, what kind of people I want to surround myself with, how the job market looks, and what I am interested in.
2. Form a mental model of the context: Make an educated guess about what kind of work I should do.
3. Take a small step in the context based on this guess: For instance, “Maybe I should email someone who does the kind of work I’m considering and ask them what it is like?” “Maybe I should do a small project in my spare time?” “Maybe trial and error is a waste of time right now, and I would do better by figuring out who is the best at doing this and studying them?”
4. Act and update: Acting like this produces new information, and you update your understanding.
5. Repeat from the top.

Using my case as an example, where people insulted me:

1. Observe the context: It was a school event with a group of people who are interested in education.
2. Form a mental guess about the context: I expected it to be nice and wholesome. Visitors usually respect us a lot, and people passionate about education are mostly kind and compassionate.
3. Take a small step in the context: I took action by asking questions to learn about the visitors.
4. Act and update: I was insulted, which confused and angered me, so I left the event early.

Now I’m re-evaluating the context and forming a new mental guess because of my misjudgment:

People might be rude due to personal issues they haven’t resolved or because their surroundings allow or encourage such behavior. This could be related to their historical context (the social background they grew up in), affecting their views on gender, social hierarchy, and perspectives on a country.

I see that even if you work in education or attend many progressive universities, it doesn’t guarantee you will be kind or have the intention to empower people. It might be more like money-driven people, treating it as an investment.

This isn’t the first time I haven’t reacted the way I wanted to, even though I’ve been practicing with friends. It’s partially because I don’t know how to react and partially because I’m not aware that I need to be cautious with certain people.

From this new information, I decided to take new actions for better preparation next time.

My practice with friends to re-create the context

After feeling better, my friends and I started to play and rehearse the same situations again and came up with ideas on how to handle them. Here are some responses we brainstormed:

• “It depends.”
• “Why do you think so?”
• “How do you think your questions are relevant and contribute to our current discussion?”
• “Thank you for your question, but I choose to abstain from this.”
• “I don’t feel comfortable answering these questions.”

These are just our initial discussions. Now, I started coming up with millions of ideas. Oh no, why didn’t I think of them when I was on the spot? I told them the biggest struggle I had was with my speed, and I’m not very confrontational as a person. Those uncomfortable moments usually stress me out so much that I don’t know how to respond well. Of course, we cannot reproduce that situation, but practicing will help me learn how to handle similar high-stress situations.

Preparing generic solutions to apply

But what if I just cannot come up with anything smart under stress? Is there anything we can practice as muscle memory and use it whenever?

My friend came up with this creative idea: If anyone asks something that I don’t want to answer in the future, I’m going to respond with:

“Meow meow.”

Hahaha, I loooooove this response. It’s so on-brand and so funny. It will not only create laughter, but the uncomfortable conversation will be disrupted! After I decided to use this, I felt excited to face difficult situations so I could test this idea out!

Also, I need to look super serious before responding this funny line

Next, I try to connect existing mental models that are already in my mind. For instance, do I have some successful examples under high-stress situations?

Have I ever performed under high-stress social situations?

Yes. In fact, many.

I remember when my ex-boss asked, “Do you think a startup is too messy for you to survive?” Rather than feeling scared and acting defensive, I said, “No, even this week, I’ve already made X, Y, and Z contributions to the company.” And then he shut up.

Similarly, when I had just started dating, I was accused by my new date of still having feelings for my ex. They threatened to break up with me. Instead of freaking out or getting mad, I said, “No. There is a difference between moving on from a relationship and moving on from a person. The person has done bad things, so I still set boundaries and hold my opinions, but that doesn’t mean I’m still lingering on the relationship.” In the end, I was able to resolve a potentially escalating situation.

I don’t know how those immediate reactions popped up, but I know the commonality is self-confidence and some preprocessed analytical thoughts. I’ve definitely intentionally registered these thoughts in my mind in the past. How can I apply my strength again?

Hmm…

In this situation, similarly, I can apply deep analysis of the context. For instance, I can differentiate the nuances of the appropriation of the topics. I can say, “So now the situation I see is, that someone said that I won’t answer this political question, but you insist that I will. No matter what I answer, I make one of you look bad. What can I do about this then?”

If the person is pressured more, saying things like, “Oh, you just need to be honest and say things out loud.” I can respond, “Yes. But the education I received isn’t only about expressing my opinion, but finding a way to collaborate when everyone has different opinions.”

I would have sounded so cool.

Building More Self-Confidence

Are there any other actions I can take now to improve the situation next time? After talking to my dad, I realized it’s self-confidence to speak up and communicate my thoughts.

My dad also encourages me to be more courageous. He told me I handled it pretty well. I didn’t freak out and I didn’t pick fights, and it’s really smart that I avoided politics as a topic. The next step for me is to find more confidence in myself. Don’t take those incidents personally because I’m a really social and likable person. So the problem is rarely on me. Don’t feel afraid, because there are so many situations and people I’m going to encounter in the future. I just need to practice more.

I told him that I wished I could be more intelligent with my responses. And my dad laughed, “Haha, you are just in your 20s! It takes much more practice to handle it gracefully and maturely.”

Rather than blaming myself for not reacting well enough, I started to see some parts that I’ve done well.

• Esther is able to maintain her chill under high-stress situations. She didn’t lose her temper, she didn’t get defensive and blurt out words, and she didn’t raise her voice but maintained her curiosity towards others, so people would not take advantage of her emotions.
• Esther handled sensitive topics really well. She knew not to engage with them, so there were no further problems that could potentially expand. She made big problems small and dissolved the small problems.
• Esther didn’t get stuck on the emotions for too long. The day after it, she already practiced with her friends on how to handle this scenario, finding her way to grow out of it.

If Esther is able to manage her emotions well, it means that she really has a chance to have eloquent responses in the future. And with more practice, she will definitely know how to be smart about it.

What I Learned

With this experience, I realized that I see lots of fear and anger in me when encountering uncomfortable situations. And my immediate reaction is fight or flight. But maybe this will not be the case pretty soon. This year after graduation, I’ve gone from feeling like a naive little girl, always feeling others have more experience, to realizing that I’m quite capable, and I’m very ahead in learning and navigating complicated social situations by leveraging my strength. Why? Because I’m very atypical in finding learning opportunities. Most people get scared, feel angry, and complain about society. But I stand up, analyze, and strategize on learning how to do better.

I’ve always admired historical strategists, Zhuge Liang and Yan Ying, who not only maintained their chill under stress but also turned the tables of humiliation with their intelligence.

The King of Chu had long heard of Yan Ying’s cleverness and wanted to take the opportunity to embarrass him and humiliate the state of Qi. When Yan Ying arrived outside the city, he noticed that the main gate was not opened to welcome him. With a smile, Yan Ying asked, “Is this a country of dogs? If so, I will enter through the dog hole!” Hearing this, the King of Chu had no choice but to open the main gate and invite him in.

Esther’s side note: He is using the “playing along with it” strategy.

I aspire to grow like those strategists, embodying grace and intelligence no matter how challenging the social situations may be.