How to move on?
Though I’ve learned plenty after my breakup, I still cannot detach somehow. And I’ve tried everything. Let me tell you what I’ve tried. Therapy, meditation, studying neuroscience, working as a distraction, writing and sitting with my emotions, and sharing with friends, deliberate practice through relationship simulation. Yet, 5 months after our breakup, I’m still here, somehow in love (if not madly in love).
Well… you might tell me, 5 months is not too bad. Oh, but I forgot to give you some context that we also only dated for 5 months. You might tell me, well, being friends for a long time can be hard to detach. And let me tell you, we only know each other for 6 months…
Ahhhhh….I really don’t know why. I worked really hard for my personal and emotional growth. But whenever I felt I was starting a brand new chapter because I was finally free, an email or a text from my ex will telescope me back to where I begin.
I don’t know why my affection toward this person is so solid like a really really bad constipation that I’ve never anticipated in my life. We have a super bad timezone difference now and have no future prospects of being in the same city, but my brain apparently doesn’t get discouraged. I followed all scientific best practices (therapy, meditation, study neuroscience, no texting right after the breakup), and though I did grow a lot personally, unblocking all the mental barriers and traumas, but… not my attachment system. To this point, I have exhausted all the scientific approaches that I started to believe if one day my ex fart, I will also probably be madly in love again.
Don’t laugh at me. I’ve tried really really hard. I’ve tried to send honest texts and said, “I think my expectation has been growing. I think it’s hard for us to be friends. Can we rest a little bit?” But the response I got is…
“Sorry for not replying! I’ve been really sick for the past few days that I didn’t check my messages. Sure, please prioritize yourself!”
Damn…I cannot not care about a sick person, so my mission failed again and again.
To this point, I finally reconciled that maybe I need to stop the scientific approach and try a spiritual approach. First, I tried my first taro card reading in my life. Well..my friend, the taro card reader, told me both I’m f**king lonely and gotta die alone but also that I’m going through an amazing transformation in two reads, the same relationship question. I have no idea if I’m gotta die alone or transform now anymore… Anyway, it just confuses me even more so I decided to do my own approach, the most traditional Taiwanese approach, good deed of a day.
Daily Good Deed Initiative
Every day, I will do something good and hopefully, I can clear the sins that I probably did in my past life (Because I’m a really nice person in this life so I don’t think my problem is in this life.). Why is my life so ridiculous?
Ultra strategy: My friend told me I can probably try LSD to get my brain to work faster (SF is a druggy city). I will probably do that if my “Daily good deed intiative” doesn’t work.
