Introspecting on sex addiction
Recently, a friend of mine started dating someone with intense sexual needs. At first, I considered it to be just “more sexual needs,” acknowledging that everyone has different needs in a relationship. But more information reveals it seemed that this person might actually be addicted to sex. And when you shift from calling it a “need” to an “addiction,” the meaning changes dramatically. Needs are something you seek to satisfy; addictions are things you try to get rid of or control.
But whether it’s a need or an addiction, it’s too late for my friend to walk away — he’s deeply in love, or maybe even addicted to her. Watching him constantly think about her, unable to focus on anything else, I started to wonder how much we allow our emotional attachments and addictions to define what we call “love.”
We all know that there are harmful addictions in life — alcohol, drugs, sex, social media, even Netflix and sugar. But no one ever calls being consumed by the obsession of another person an “addiction.” In fact, society often glorifies it, calling it “falling in love” and portraying it as the most precious experience you can have. Yet, what if, like my friend’s date, the needs start to spiral out of control — indulging in constant sex while ignoring work or other responsibilities?
Yes, society would label that as irresponsible, but it still gets a pass as “being in love.” When you talk about it with friends, they blush and giggle with excitement of your wild stories. Romantic dramas and movies even romanticize this kind of intensity, convincing us that the crazier, the better. On the contrary, when you don’t feel this way, you start questioning whether you’re truly “in love.”
Looking at my friend, so lost in his feelings, I couldn’t help but see my past self in him. I’ve been there before — feeling as if my emotions were entirely controlled by the relationship. I’d cry and laugh with every little move my partner made, thinking that was what “madly in love” looked like. But now, I see a fine line between love and addiction. I’ve come to realize that the intense attraction we feel toward someone — whether physical or emotional — often has less to do with the person themselves and more to do with the emotional cues they trigger in us. I realized I liked the feeling of being “in love,” but I also hated the lack of control and the dopamine highs that came with it.
Spending all your time thinking about someone, with your emotions constantly swaying based on their actions — it doesn’t seem like love to me. It feels more like a reflection of how modern society has placed such high expectations on relationships. We’ve come to believe, either consciously or subconsciously, that modern romance is supposed to meet most of our needs: emotional support, reliability, stability, as well as excitement, novelty, and fantasy. But that very expectation often feeds into dependence, and sometimes even addiction. This isn’t just accepted; it’s celebrated.
Weirdo friends, one of my New Year resolutions for 2025 will be to define “in love” in my own terms.
