Seeing my aging self

Recently, I got an injury on my leg tendon. But strangely, I didn’t know where it came from because I didn’t do anything too intense. I keep thinking about why.

Is it about my yoga class last week?

Is it because of wearing high heels for dance training?

Is it because I ran to chase the bus in the morning without warming up?

Wait…since when do I need to worry about chasing the bus in the morning?

I started to feel a bit nervous. So I opened my Instagram, going through all the profiles of my hottest friends from high school and college. And I realized something was wrong.

Of course, they are still beautiful, but no longer the kind of young and hot that I perceived before. They look like they are in different life stages. The same way that you won’t say an elementary kid looks similar to a high school student.

And all of a sudden, I realized…oh shit, I’m aging.

I think it makes sense. My mental state has been changing. I felt much more emotionally stable regardless of the hurdles I encountered in life. I no longer think about relationship issues but health, tax, and housing in my life. I no longer feel that urgency and anxiety I used to have a few years ago. I also started to feel that life is so short. All of these virtues pointed toward the fact that I’ve aged.

Oh shit, and now my mind roaming toward sickness and death because of my slippery slope bias. I’m gotta grow wrinkles. Oh shit. I’m gotta grow white hair pretty soon. Oh shit. Why didn’t I marry a doctor? Oh shit. Aging means now I’m closer to death. I’m gotta die soon. Oh shit shit.

After work, on my way home, I appreciate life. The sudden gust of wind that clears the sky, the rustling leaves on the trees, the rhythm of the song that makes people dance joyfully with each other. I see life — simple but beautiful.

How lucky am I to be given a life on this planet to experience this?

As humans, we often feel it’s not enough. We aren’t good enough, rich enough, successful enough, fast enough. We haven’t dated, explored, or traveled enough. But what if we could momentarily silence the stories in our minds and simply enjoy having a life in this universe?

I believe the ability to appreciate the brevity of life is wisdom. It doesn’t only mean being present and happy but living with courage. I see people shy away from the same problems for years. Nowadays, I change whenever I notice my weaknesses even though it’s not comfortable, because I know I might not have another chance. I apply, I express, I confess without shame. I cherish my time with those I see every day. I leave jobs, countries, and people when it’s time because I am the only one responsible for my life.

No hiding, no waiting, no procrastinating, no taking for granted, because life is short. Though I still hate aging, I learned to live consciously and fully from it.