Thank you for guiding me
“How can I heal after going through a traumatic experience?” I asked my friend, who was disowned by his family after coming out.
“A lot of love,” he responded.
I used to hold the same belief until my close friend Ha broadened my viewpoint. I used to think that love was the one and the only support I needed during a breakup. However, Ha’s response made me realize that guidance, in helping me make good decisions when things are beyond my control, could wield a power even greater than love after a breakup. Here is the story of us.
“I cannot sleep at all. I think I need help. I feel painful.” I texted her at 5:46 am, feeling sick, scared, and painful of going through every second of my life. I’ve been through living hell, and the thought of going back made me shiver. The moment she saw my texts, she canceled all her plans for the day and came to me. This turned out to be one of the most powerful days I have ever experienced.
We screamed in the park as loud as we could. We talked about how graceful and powerful Michelle Obama is in her book, Becoming. Unlike other people, she didn’t lecture me or forcefully try to stop me from battling my own demons. Instead, she guided me in the most gentle and powerful way.
I proposed, “Could we turn to text my ex into a reward? Like if I learn software, then I can call?”
“That’s not a healthy motivation,” she responded.
“Then can you make it a reward for something?”
“Hmm… how about you meditate for 20 minutes, and after you meditate, if you still want to do it, then you can call,” she said calmly.
“….”
Though I was reluctant when hearing her suggestion, deep down, I recognized that she was steering my energy in a positive direction, redirecting it without causing harm or destruction.
"But no, I can't do this anymore! I WANT to make the call now!" I protested, behaving irrationally like a child.
“Do you think you have thought it through?” she said.
“No, but I cannot think!” I yelled in frustration.
“Sure, you can. But if you haven’t thought it through, do you think it’s a good decision?”
“…No, sorry.”
Once again, she didn’t dismiss my desire but guided me toward making the right decision. If she had simply told me that it was wrong and I couldn’t make the call, I might have resisted and wanted it even more. What I’ve come to realize is that my self-control is not as effective as usual because I’m trying to avoid painful feelings. I’m behaving like an adolescent or even a child, but with the right person by my side, I don’t have to battle the inner devils alone. There’s still a chance for me to make things right.
“I feel like I’m being too selfish. I just want to do whatever it takes to alleviate my pain,” I cried in bed.
“What do you want to do?” She asked.
“I want to apologize. I want to ask if she’s okay. I want to discuss everything again. I thought I had made the right decision, but now I want to change everything. And I feel like these wantings are all so selfish.”
“But I just see a lot of love inside,” she responded quietly.
At the end of the day, I expressed my gratitude for having her and apologized for being a liability. In response, she said, “You’re not. Selfishly, I’m very happy to be with you right now. Since the last time I saw you, you’ve already grown and transformed so much. I know you still need time and space, but I’m glad I can share this experience with you because that’s what life is made of.”
Hearing this, I couldn’t help but burst into tears once more. I realized that what makes her an exceptional friend to me is not only her love but also the personal growth she brings to my life, even during my ugliest moments.
This is the 6th post from my 30-day writing challenges. I was inspired by Tung Nguyen, a friend who is a famous blogger. He overcame the fear of creation through mass-producing blogs and eventually found his own niche audiences.
