Tired of you but let’s breathe in

There are so many times I want to say, “I’m so tired of you.”

It might be to some people, or some non-people problems, like problems in work.

Recently, I’ve been noticing things getting boring or annoying in my life.

• The beautiful ocean on the way to work doesn’t feel that beautiful anymore as I see it every day.
• The dance training class gets so boring because we always do the same chores.
• The friends I have are the same, and a lot of the time, the problems they bring are the same too.
• The same codebase looks so annoying; I’m used to the UI, but there are still so many problems to fix.

In the middle of work, as I realized there were more problems I needed to fix, I could not ship today again, and I got increasingly impatient. Why are people so picky about these tiny problems? Well, I know it’s important, but I’m just tired of it at 5:40 pm. And even worse, my journey in software engineering just started a month ago, but I’m already losing my joy of learning like a newbie.

I stood up from my desk and walked out of the office to take a deep breath. I told myself, “Let’s just focus on this one problem. And you are good today.”

As I set the intention and meditated for 10 minutes, things felt much more tolerable. My butt was willing to sit on the chair again. And then I realized,

• Doing the same chores is boring. But as I decided to focus on my toes in the dance for better basics, I discovered a new space to improve.
• The same UI in the codebase looks so annoying, but as I solely focused on the problems I’m solving at hand, I thanked my familiarity with the codebase and discovered my growth in speed.
• The same ocean view isn’t pretty, but as I focused on the scent, I noticed its freshness that is so different from the city.
• I reflected on relationships that I think I’ve handled well and discovered something else I can do next time to cultivate more patience.

As I reset my intention and concentrated on a new dimension to explore, I discovered intricacies in the tiniest details.

Often, I wonder how others spend time on the same things or with the same people for years. That sounds like a ton of boredom or maybe even problems for me. For instance, how do people stare at the same person for 50 years with crying kids and busy work? (Yes, I’m thinking of marriage.)

No matter how wonderful and exciting and attractive the work or people may initially seem — — comes with its brand of shit sandwich. Something annoying and boring.

“So…what’s your favorite flavor of shit sandwich?” — Elizabeth Gilbert (Big Magic)

So the question is not so much “What are you passionate about?” The question is “What are you passionate enough about that you can endure the most disagreeable aspects of work or people?

This leads me to wonder about true love. Not the kind of love that centers on “the one,” but the love that can truly surpass time, space, boredom, and annoyance, whether in work or with people.

When I thought of love, I always recalled it as a warm and tender glow in my chest. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe love isn’t happiness. It might be patience in the tides of boredom and irritation.

Idk. Need to grow up and learn more.