Gotta die #4: Worst Case Scenario
As I looked through the US visa requirements, I realized that my worst-case scenario is — going back to Taiwan.
And it is an active choice.
Here are three things that are constantly influencing my choice: money, visa, and passion. For money, I realized the maximum debt I can mentally afford is $40K. If I don’t have any income, I will be living in SF till the end of this year. For visa, I can maybe figure out a special route after my jobless period (around December), but given the money I’m burning, it doesn’t make sense to go through it. Hence, I’m left with two last options
- Getting whatever job I can get to stay in the US
- Giving up the US and going back to Taiwan
- Get married to an American on the spot
Option 1 secures money and visa, while option 2 supports passion. I know 99% I can make it here if I am willing to aggressively proceed with option 1. But can I spend my day and burn myself working on a CRM product to stay in the US?
The answer is NO, because it’s absolutely wrong. The point of me to be in the US is to expand my passion, and I would rather die than be on the wrong path. I rather die. So I’m left with option 2, going back to Taiwan.
How about Option 3? To find an American to get married in 7 months isn’t too easy. But it is possible. Mr. M has been pursuing me and even said he will provide me “food and shelter.” This means that money and visa issues will be solved. It will give me extra time to work on my passion. But…
Anyway, in Taiwan, I will have a lower money burn rate. Even though returning to my debt can be hard, I will have more control to be on the right path. However, the thought of it is extremely painful.
Weirdo friends, I don’t have much pride so I don’t give a shit if other people called me a failure if I go back. But I really hate living in Taiwan. You might find it weird, bc everyone loves Taiwan and I’m also proud of being a Taiwanese. But as a weirdo who is as wild as me, my ideas are often shut down, my passion is often considered unrealistic, and my curiosity is always silenced. In contrast, I’m such a normal average person in San Francisco. I have a hard time surviving the social expectations in Taiwanese society, and have a harder time being the daughter that my parents constantly want me to be.
I recalled all those occasions when seniors frowned and questioned, “Why do you think this way?” upon hearing my curiosities. I remember when I was excitedly telling friends about a startup idea and they said, “That’s impossible. You’re being unrealistic.” I felt that familiar sting of disappointment when I recalled how I used to express my dissatisfaction with my education, only to be told, “Sit down. That’s as good as you can get. Learn to endure.” I felt that misery when all my relatives looked down on me for pursuing my “impulsive and unrealistic dream in a scam school” at Minerva until I proved them wrong by getting into Meta. I experienced a surge of anger when this morning my sister told me my dad was excited that I was finally ready to give up and go back to Taiwan.
I feel suffocated. I am in agony. I lay on the carpet and cried. But I still need to be on the right path.
I’ve worked so hard to leave. I dropped out of NTU and worked all the way to where I am today for the past four years. And now, bc of this f**king conviction, I’m giving up all I have and going back? Who on this planet says conviction is good and writes this kind of article? Huh? Arhhhhh…I say I will listen to my conviction yesterday, but I want to choke it today again.
I feel very painful. I have tried to beg and negotiate with my conviction. I also tried to show it my middle finger but it didn’t work. Okay I know I look super dumb and funny but that’s all Esther can do now.
